So, hear me out. From the right perspective, when seen in good lighting, and from flattering angles, Count Orlok (Bill Skarsg?rd) is kinda a stud. Granted, you have to look past a lot of glaring red flags and questionable mating rituals, but when have either of those stopped a devoted monsterf**ker before? Historically speaking, Orlok hasn't really been seen as a sex symbol in comparison to his more suave counterpart, Dracula. But Robert Eggers' new update of Nosferatu shows that Orlok had untapped potential as an object of desire that we should all be thankful has been brought to light.

Count Orlok May Be a Literal Monster, But He's an Eligible Bachelor

First, let's look at all Orlok's qualities that make him a real diamond in the primordial ooze. His castle is tastefully furnished with a minimalist philosophy in mind, and given that he just bought a second home, we know he's successfully self-financed. He's courteous and respectful, a stickler for formality and calling people by their proper titles, so obviously he would respect anybody's pronouns. You have to deduct points for his penchant for manipulation and forcing people into weak negotiation positions, but at least he still gives people the chance to make a choice for themselves. His trusty right-hand man, Knock (Simon McBurney), is sycophantically loyal to him, which shows that Orlok has the ability to inspire true devotion in anyone. But while these are all qualities that make Orlok a decent party guest, those aren't the real reasons that Orlok is appealing. Let's keep it a buck: underneath the robes and the rotting skin, Orlok is a total hottie.

Robert Eggers Puts the Sex Appeal Back Into Count Orlok

Orlok does have some things working against him in the physical department, most notably all those pus-oozing scars and the stench of 400 years of being dead and loving it. But it's easy to look past that when you see how much Orlok has got going on underneath his regal attire. He's not quite muscular, but he's fit and gets increasingly fitter the more blood he slurps, and we love to see a man committed to self-improvement. Much has been made of his exuberant mustache, but it adds an undeniable roguish quality to his look and makes for a unique sensation on the skin when he's feeding off of someone's chest, which is prime fantasy material. Plus, you have to respect Orlok for showing dong, and it looks like he's absolutely packing even when he's flaccid, which is impressive when you consider how tall he is. And we know that he can still use it with ferocity, as he can f**k Ellen (Lily-Rose Depp) across space and time, to a decidedly rapturous climax. But such a climax can't be reached without a little seduction, and that's where Orlok truly excels, thanks to his sexiest instrument: his voice.

Ellen and Count Orlok's Connection Is at the Center of 'Nosferatu'

We all have different love languages and things that get us stimulated, but you'd be hard-pressed to be in a theater with good sound and not feel some kind of shiver when hearing Skarg?rd's voice as Orlok, which he harnessed through training with an Opera singer. Whether that shiver means you're scared or horny (no shame in being both), Orlok's voice is one that booms and billows with unapologetic carnal appetite, driven by no less than total consumption. If my years of dating have taught me anything, it's that it's really hot when people know what they want, and Orlok makes it extremely clear what he wants at all times. Ellen first turned to him in a time of great need and loneliness, and I don't blame her one bit for falling for a creature with a voice that sensuous. Even after a happy marriage to her husband, Thomas (Nicholas Hoult), she still couldn't resist the feeling of his voice in her ears, appealing to the buried part of her that craves his nourishment. Orlok's hold on Ellen transcends simple lust and is a full spiritual trance, one that's convincing thanks to Lily-Rose Depp's fiercely committed yet nervously fraught performance.

Ellen's ironclad thirst for Orlok is the lynchpin of the entire narrative, and it doesn't land unless Orlok proves to have unparalleled levels of rizz. In seeking to strengthen Ellen's storyline as one of sexual empowerment, we need to understand the appeal that Ellen sees in Orlok. He's, initially, the only one who understands Ellen's inherent sadness and psychic abilities, something that her husband never quite manages.

When compared to the unambiguous desire of Orlok, Thomas looks like a wimpy eunuch, hence why the casting of Hoult, the king of loserdom, is such a savvy one. It's tricky to pull this off without making it seem like abuse apologia, but it works because Bill Skarsg?rd imbues Orlok with the same animalistic charm that has made him one of the most versatile actors working today. He may be a literal monster, but he simply will not be denied, which taps into the underlying dark romantic elements of the story that Eggers emphasizes. The irony is that Eggers claimed he tried hard to move Orlok away from the Twilight era of vampires being sexy, yet he still made the O.G. cinematic vampire A+ crank material. To that I say: my apologies, Count Orlok, I wasn't familiar with your game.

Nosferatu can be seen in theaters in the US.

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